13 point what???

Ok I'm going to say it...I'm training for a half marathon.   

Holy. Crap. 

The girl who quit the high schooltrack team the first day.  That's me. 

It all started with checking off one of my bucket list items of running a 5k.  I trained with the 5k Runner app, and fell in love with running. 

I don't much run for time or speed, I savor the distance and endurance.  I love pacing myself for distances I never ever fathomed possible.  Not in my craziest dreams! 

I have kept my 13.1 mile ambitions quiet.  I've told a few family members, and my closet friends.  It just feels like a wish upon a star type thing. Can't believe I could actually accomplish this goal.  Pinch me. 

I've been using this training schedule I found via Pinterest.  I modified a bit to make my long run days Thursday since that is when Georgia enjoys her weekly trip to her "school".   Last week I conquered my 10 mile run AND officially registered for my race. The Midsouth Championship Marathon and Half.   It is in Wynne, about 2 ish hours from home.  

Here are my last three long run Thursday stats. 

I'm not gonna even lie.  10 miles was a whore.   I've been running at Craighead Forest Park in Jonesboro and I'm taking all the hills instead of avoiding them...and it sucks a little.   

My motto throughout this process had been Start slow, Finish strong.  No worrying about how fast I am.   Just focusing on distance, pacing myself, and enjoying the run.  Pacing myself is the best gift I ever gave to my running soul. There will always be somebody faster than I am.  Trying to outrun anybody else takes the enjoyment out of my run. 

I've just been focusing on my distances and building my stamina, speed naturally increases as I get stronger.   

I'm only running for me. Seeing my world on foot.  Loving my body for doing things I never thought possible.   

Cue cheesy orchestral music here.... 

Running is super therapeutic.  I told Josh last week "I'll be right back, I have to go run before I kill somebody" as soon as my feed hit the pavement exercise enduced endorphins baptized me with their goodness.  For real, I felt lighter.  Mind cleared.  All those cliques. 

5k...maybe.

I 7/7/14: I've been doing hot yoga for a while now and I LOVE it.  Until G was about a year old, my weight loss had been soley from diet modification and a little walking.  Yoga is by far my favorite workout I have ever tried.  I focus so much on my balance, posture, and breathing I don't think about anything else for an hour. Literally clearing my mind.  I had been suffering from frequent migraines after having Georgia and since starting yoga *knock on wood* I haven't had another one. I am extremely thankful. 

My baby daddy has a job that keeps him away from home the majority of the time. My yoga studio of choice is 30 miles away, and it has been a challenge to get to yoga when he is at work....enter running.   

I have always wished I was a runner. Well wish in one hand and poop in the other.  Get up and make it happen.  Running is something I can do anywhere, and if I need to I can push G in a stroller.  

I've bought this 5k runner app.  It trains you to run a 5k in 8 weeks. I just completed Week2Day1 this morning and I think I'm hooked.  Don't get me wrong, I hate running while I'm actually running. But when it is over I already want to do it again. The 5k Runner program suggests you not run everyday, and on my off days I am wishing I could run! I have been trying my best to go to yoga on running days off (when Josh is home to Georgia sit).  

Running a 5k has been on my bucket list and I am determined to check it off! Josh is due back to work tomorrow and soon I will start training while also pushing G in her stroller. Interested to see how that turns out.  

At this point I'm not longer driven by weight loss.  I'm around 14 lbs lighter than pre-G weight and have a healthy BMI.  My goals now are building endurance and workout habits, toning, and just being a better me! I still weigh myself (not everyday) just to keep track and motivate myself to stay away from regular consumption of junk food.  

Today's stats. 

I plan to update periodically on my progress. 5k here I come! 

8/1/14 I'm on week 6 of this 8 week 5k training app.  I seriously can't believe how different I feel.  I work out everyday. 

Everyday. 

Who am I?!? Not typical of me at all.  The program has you run 3 times a week and on the days I don't run I either go to yoga class or do yoga at home. Sometimes I even "cheat" and  run on a rest day. What the....

Y'all. I joined the track team in Jr high and quit on the first day. I am not a runner, never have been. Until now I guess. 

The way the app works is you run/walk/run/walk in intervals, decreasing the walk intervals and increasing the run intervals over a period of 8 weeks. My last run I ran for 10 minutes, walked for 5, and ran for another 10.  I realize this may not sound like much, but back at the beginning running even 2 minutes was tough for me. 

I can't stress enough how crazily changed I feel. I have more energy, my thighs and calves are much more firm, and my butt...it doesn't bounce up and hit my lower back when I run anymore (that can really happen folks)  I feel more toned and can say "I'm in shape" which is amazing. 

It's not about how I look, it's how I feel. 

A couple more weeks and I will be finished and able to run a 5k without stopping to walk. I am nervous and hopeful. I'm still in shock I've come this far. Did I mention I quit the track team on the first day???  

I haven't registered for any 5k races yet, I still feel like it's too good to be true. I'm just so excited about putting a big ole check next to this bucket list item. I never thought it would actually happen! 

8/3/14 

Tonight's run, Week 6 Day 3. This is the last run of the trainer program where I get a walk interval. I ran 15 min, walked 3, and then ran another 5.  Next time I just run 20 min straight. Bring it on! I've been including my warm up and cool down walk in my time, and next run I won't anymore.  It's about to get real, I'm running for long intervals really striving toward 5k. Excited to see what happens!

I don't even recognize myself from a month ago!

8/7/14 I have ran twice now without a walk interval and I am SO shocked.  

 I have almost accomplished a 10 minute mile. I've signed up for 2 races. A color run 5k and the Cardinals Care 6k...that's right 6k. Which is pushing my original goal and I can't wait, it should be a really fun race. It ends inside of Busch Stadium and Jackie Joyner Kersee will be handing out medals at the finish line.  The Cardinals Care organization is the charity we donated money collected at Georgia's first birthday party to. 

One hard thing about getting into running is leaving Georgia with a sitter.  Pushing her in a stroller wasn't ideal for me as a new runner or for her in the heat. Not to mention she usually got bored before I was finished.  I don't feel comfortable running with her on the streets and felt safer on the track.  The same scenery wasn't entertaining her at all.  So to all stroller pushing running moms HIGH FIVE, you are awesome.  

Even though I only leave G for 30-45 minutes every other day when I run I feel so guilty! I hoping this gets better.  She has fun with her sitters and I keep telling myself I'm not gone that long. A little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm a stay at home mom and that means I should stay at home with my baby.  Sometimes I run on the treadmill after she goes to bed, but I want to simulate actually running a race as much as possible and races aren't indoors on a treadmill.  I really hoping the guilt subsides eventually! To quote P!nk:

8/11/14 I completed Week 8 Day 1 this morning with my trainer app. I'm feeling great! I can't even begin to describe my excitement that in just a few days, I will have run 5k...3.1 miles! 

Today's run was supposed to be 28 minutes but I was feelin' spunky and turned up the speed and went an extra 30 seconds. 

I was shaving my legs in my post-run shower and HELLO I have a calf muscle! Well everyone has calf muscles, but I have more defined, larger, noticeable ones. Too bad my legs are always painfully pale and I'm naturally as hairy as Robin Williams. My leg shave smoothness lasts about a whole 3 hours before I have stubble again and look like I haven't shaved in a significant amount of time.  So it's not like I wear shorts often for anyone to see my calves. 

Okay I've gotten side tracked here...back to the point. Calf muscle, woo hoo!

8/14/14 

Finished my 5k Runner app today! I can't believe the changes I have felt in just 8 short weeks.  If I can do it anybody can. I have always used the worn out phrase "I'm not a runner" but I am now. By choice. I'm so thankful for all the support in my life from family and friends, and everybody who watched Georgia for me so I could go run.  

I am in such a positive place, just by working on my own health and fitness. I'm not in competition with anyone but the old me...and I'm kicking her butt! 

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start. 

Peace.Love.5freakingk 

Georgia's Cuisine

Georgia is quickly approaching 18 months old, and her appetite is growing! She was very slow and particular when I was introducing solids, and I am glad to see her coming around. I don't feed her all organic, but when organic is an available option that's what I go with.  I'm trying to do my best to instill in her a preference for healthy and wholesome. 

Right now she drinks water with meals.  Some times I put a little juice in her water. I've given her juice more frequently in the past, but I was given water often as a tot and today I love it! I'm glad I don't have a preference for a sweet or carbonated drink. Hopefully G will too!  

My focus right now is offering her variety and I'm always looking for ideas.  I'm also trying to give her what we eat more often, I don't want to find myself cooking  for the big people and then cooking another separate meal to accommodate a picky eater. 

 I thought I would take some pictures of her food because 1) things like this thrill me 2) maybe it can give some other moms ideas 3) to help me remember 4) her food looks so darn cute! 

Lunch Gerber pick ups chicken and carrot ravioli, Colby jack cheese, Cheerios, and Plum Organics teensy fruit peaches. 

Supper A successful trail in eating the big people menu! Chicken Alfredo, garlic cheddar biscuit, carrots. 

Breakfast Pancakes and apple banana sauce. 

Breakfast scrambled cheesy organic egg and pancakes 

Lunch Nuggets (all white meat, no biproduct, no hormones, steroids, preservatives or fillers) cucumbers tossed in ranch, bananas. 

Lunch Annie's rice pasta and cheddar macaroni and cheese, freeze dried strawberries and bananas, Annie's organic pretzels. 

Lunch (seems I only remember to photograph lunch) Gerber organic chicken and carrot ravioli pasta pick ups, blueberries, cottage cheese, Annie's organic pretzels. 

Lunch Hebrew National hotdog (100% kosher beef, no biproduct or fillers) tossed in BBQ sauce, Colby Jack cheese, freeze dried apples. 

Lunch: Annie's cheddar squares topped with Wild Garden hummus dip, chicken flavored rice (grown up supper leftovers) freeze dried apples and Plum Organics peach teensy fruit. 

Lunch Colby Jack cheese, Cheerios, animal cracker, and Gorton's fish sticks.  Fish sticks might not be the greatest thing ever but I was craving some, and what childhood is complete without fish sticks?! 

Breastfeeding Gospel According to Courtney

I've been asked a few times for advice on being successful with breastfeeding. Everytime I retype the tips I have from my experiences.  I finally decided to blog them to have them in one places forever. I'll add to it from time to time as I feel knowledge is always expanding.  You never stop learning! 

Determination You have to have your mind made up that come hell or high water, you are going to do this.  If you say "I'm going to try it and see" you'll probably never make it.  It's hard, in the beginning mainly. But once you get your feet under you it is the most rewarding experience. You'll never regret the decision to nurse.  

Information Inform yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on about breastfeeding while you are pregnant. Go to a breastfeeding class, most hospitals have them.  In the first hours and days after you give birth hormones are high and advice is abundant.  It is imperative to have a good base knowledge of breastfeeding before the baby comes.  Set yourself up for success! 

Support Let the people close to you (or everyone) know you will be breastfeeding. Your husband, mom, sister, grandma, best friend, your doctor, your nurses.  Even if the women in your family didn't nurse, let them know early on that you plan to and you would like their support.  Reach out to other breastfeeding moms.  I highly recommend joining a few breastfeeding groups on Facebook and liking some breastfeeding pages.  It's a wealth of information, a network of support, and in the case your close friends and family aren't familiar with breastfeeding, seeing breastfeeding support and advice as you scroll through social media makes you feel the norm.  I know personally sometimes I felt like my family thought of my nursing relationship as atypical and mysterious, the social media exposure was great for my confidence! 

Now for the mechanics of nursing:

*Put the baby to the breast as soon as possible after birth. This is an alert phase of life, prolonging nursing for pictures and first holds can result in a sleepy difficult to latch baby for the first feed, avoid that if at all possible.  A good goal is to get the baby nurse within 1-2 hours after birth, the sooner the better!  Again, let your fan club know ahead of time you will be feeding the baby as first priority so they are expecting a small "delay" of coming into the room, taking pictures, and passing the baby around, etc etc.   it most likely won't take that long and is a best start on your breastfeeding journey. Baby comes first.  

*Nurse every 3-4 hours and on demand.   Now allow me to break that down as this simple instruction can get crazily misinterpreted.  Your goal is to nurse the baby every 3 to 4 hours. The "on demand" part means to also nurse at any other cues of hunger.  3-4 hours is your goal, the on demand is any extra your baby desires.   In the beginning this means you will have to wake the baby to eat if the allotted 3-4 is upon you. This is crucial for weight gain, preventing jaundice, and establishing your milk supply.   This does NOT mean you have to wake the baby up every 3 hours to eat for the rest of your life!!! Once your milk has come in, supply is stable, baby is gaining weight, and you have dodged or gotten through jaundice, you can let the baby (and yourself) sleep for longer intervals.   This intense phase doesn't last forever.  

*Get a good latch.  There is only so much I can do to describe a good latch through typing. But here goes! Get comfortable sitting up and support you and the baby with pillows as needed. Get skin to skin.  Undress the baby and do a diaper change, this will help wake them up.  Undress yourself. Put the baby's belly against your belly for the skin to skin contact. Keep the baby's ear, shoulder, and hip in line.  Make sure you are supporting the baby with you hand at the base of their neck NOT the back of their head, the head should be slightly tilted back.   Tickle the baby's upper lip with your nipple and wait for the baby to open WIDE. Be sure to bring the baby to the breast, not the breast to the baby.  If the baby closes their mouth, don't force your nipple in. Bring the baby back and tickle their lip to get them to open wide again. Aim your nipple toward the top of their mouth when inserting, not the middle of their mouth. The baby should take a good portion of the areola into their mouth, not just the nipple.  You can stroke the top of the baby's head the and the side of their jaw to stimulate sucking. 

Get a nurse experienced with breastfeeding to assist you and make sure you have a correct latch more than once throughout your hospital stay.  There are some great YouTube videos out there as well for different positions and tips.    I would also like to say that you won't have to get yourself and the baby undressed forever :) 

*Not so hasty with the bottles. So many reasons I've heard for moms wanting to rush to bottles: 1)So dad, grandmas, siblings can feed the baby and bond. There are plenty of other ways to do that! Baths, burping, diapers, rocking, dressing, the list could go on and on.  Let grandma pick out the baby's hair bow today, let dad get that poopy diaper.  Feeding is far from the only bonding tool. 2) So mom can rest.  I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.  In the beginning beginning is pretty crucial if you haven't noticed you must nurse to establish your milk supply.  Even if you give the baby a bottle, you will need to pump to replace that feeding. No one is helping you out but giving the baby a bottle. (I'll get to the supply and demand rationale in my next point) 3)I don't feel comfortable nursing.  Well there are a few things that will help you with that. One is nursing anyway.  I was uncomfortable at first too, the more you do it the stronger you get. Tits...not a big deal.  Excuse yourself to another room, like the baby's nursery to nurse.  Use a nursing cover. Kick everyone out of the room you are in.  You have several options. Your baby will make you strong, just remember why you are doing this.  And like I said, the more you nurse the more comfortable you will be.  Breastfeeding is natural!   4) I'm just going to pump. Whoa. Back that thang up no one and I mean no one just pumps. Pumping is a big deal and all women who exclusively pump deserve a free Cadillac and a tiara.   The vast majority of exclusive pampers did not choose pumping from the get go, but got there due to complications.  Pumping is by no means an easier alternative to nursing.  I understand pumping is nessecary when you go to work, or must be away from the baby for other reasons.  But don't say "I'm just going to pump" insult to exclusive pumpers everywhere.  Also, statistical data, hard cold facts, tell us that planning to just pump right out of the gate decreases your success rate drastically.  It can be done if it needs to be, but if you have the choice...choose nursing over exclusive pumping.  Pump for occasions like work etc. Nurse when you can.  I venture to say you won't be sorry! 

*Supply and demand.  Alrighty, let me try to break it down and make it simple.   The more your baby nurses, the more milk you make.  By removing milk from the breast, your baby is putting in the order for your body to make more.  Skipping feedings result in less milk production.   

Also, a pump isn't as effective at removing milk as the baby is.  So pumping to "see how much the baby is getting" doesn't add up.  It isn't a true measure of the baby's milk intake.  If there is reason for concern, contact a lactation consultant for a weight check. They can weigh the baby before and after a feeding using a very sensitive scale to see how much milk the baby has ingested.  

Babies have growth spurts. When they do they want to nurse. A LOT. Let them! This does NOT mean you aren't making enough milk.  By letting the baby nurse on demand through a growth spurt, you are increasing your milk production.  Don't be in a hurry to supplement with formula.  The growth spurt won't last forever and you won't permanently have a baby latched to your boob. Swear!  

Judge how much the baby is getting by adequate number of wet and dirty diapers. Not the just the baby is crying,  must be hungry.  Babies cry for lots of different reason as it is their only form of communication.  Crying does not equal insufficient milk supply. 

Also you should know how big your babies stomach is. 

See! A new born has a tiny stomach, they don't need 7 oz to fill them up.  Breastmilk is jam packed with the good stuff, nutrient dense, so breastfeeding is different than formula feeding.  

I always followed the cave woman rule, having doubts or trouble, get naked and nurse.  Skin to skin and nursing on demand can help in many many situations.  Back to basics so to speak. 

*Wet and dirty diapers.  This is the easiest way to tell that your baby is getting enough milk.   You need to know what is considered normal.  

In the first days of life, breastfed babies are getting colostrum, more dense in the good stuff, so the baby doesn't require as much of it.  At least 2 wet diapers a day until your milk comes in is okay.  You may see some dark, concentrated urine, called brick dust, and it can be scary. The color may vary from dark yellow, orange, red, or pink.  Just keep nursing!  After your milk comes in, by the 5th postpartum day on average, the urine will no longer be concentrated.  

Once your milk is in, your baby should have at least 6 to 8 wet diapers a day (24 hrs).  

You should contact your pediatrician if: you see less than 6 wet diapers a day at 5 days old, brick dust diapers persist or the baby is only producing small amounts of concentrated urine past 4 days old.  

*Hunger cues.  You need to know how to tell if your baby is hungry.  Yes, a screaming baby could be signaling hunger.  But chances are they showed early signs and we missed it.  A infant raging mad with hunger can be difficult to calm down and latch. So try to stay ahead of the game and catch those early cues.  This picture shows it perfectly! 

 

*when the milk comes (to be continued)

*infant weight loss (to be continued) 

Let me finish by saying. Go you!!! You want to breastfeed, and it is a wonderful choice for you and your baby. The benefits are endless.  It is the most whole and perfect form of infant nutrition. You can do this! It is the best paying job you could ever find. Breastfeeding has truly been the most fulfilling experience of my life.  You will be giving your baby a beautiful gift. 

You can do this!

Peace.Love.Boobie Milk. 

Pure adoration. Thank you momma. 

Breast exclusive

I'm Courtney Hollowell, a registered nurse, a certified Breastfeeding specialist, and a mom.   

When I had my daughter Georgia, I made the decision to breastfeed.  It has been one of the hardest, yet the single most rewarding experience of my life.  When we were first starting off on our journey, I prayed she would take to the breast. I have spent my entire 7 year nursing career in women's health and have many times heard mothers say "I couldn't breastfeed" I didn't want that to be me, for whatever reason. So I gave breast feeding my best shot and we were successful.    In preparation for my maternity leave coming to an end, we introduced pumped milk in a bottle to Georgia.  She did fine with the bottles, and her dad was able to feed her.  Then when she was 11 weeks old, with no rhyme or reason, Georgia stopped taking a bottle.   

What? This was never on my radar.  I hoped we would have a strong nursing relationship, but I never dreamed she wouldn't take a bottle while I went to work.   We tried every bottle manufactured, every technique, every trick in the book.   It made Georgia hysterical.  I went to my first shift post motherhood at work and cried the whole way there because I knew my baby wouldn't eat while I was gone.  Georgia and her dad had a horrible night.  She would suck on his arm, his shirt, her hand, but not drink from a bottle.  She cried and screamed, devastated and hungry.   It left my husband heartbroken and in tears.  She went hours and hours  without eating until I got home and was able to nurse her 

That's my story. In the end I quit my job, stayed home and nursed Georgia.  

What if quitting your job wasn't an option, then what would you have done? Got a different job, nursed Georgia on my breaks and lunch. Anything to keep my baby fed. Work from home, get a job that I'm overqualified for, whatever it took. Quitting my job was a sacrifice.  I'm thankful I was in the position to stay home, but it isn't a fairy tale. It drained our savings account, dreams of a different home have been pushed back years on our family's calendar, just to touch the tip of the iceberg. 

If she gets hungry enough, she will take a bottle. Not true.  You should never make mealtime a battle anyway.  Starving a baby into submission is not a healthy behavior modification tool. It's torture actually. Babies do not have logic.  When you say a baby can reason to think "if I don't take this bottle, I'll go hungry" you are assigning far more mature skills than an infant possesses. My Aunt Judy has been raising babies for 50 years, I left Georgia with her to see if she would take a bottle from her. She called me "you get back here and feed this baby, I've never seen anything like this." Sadly, because bottle feeding is the norm and breastfeeding is foreign to most of her generation. 

I would also like to say, I was made to feel like I was nuts when I told some people Georgia wouldn't drink from a bottle.   If a mother says "I couldn't breastfeed" it is widely accepted. If a mother says "I can't bottle feed" she is questioned.    Breastfeeding is the most natural, perfect form of nutrition for babies. Primal instinct.  If Georgia preferred breast over bottle, it's not a problem to be solved or an error to be corrected.   Just because you've never had this situation, or never heard of such before doesn't mean it isn't a legitimate issue. 

Put yourself in the baby's shoes. We have to be a voice when they don't have one.  No one is saying a father shouldn't have rights or visits, but that a baby should be able to be nursed during those visits. 

Because if Landry's father's family truly loves, cares for, and wants what is best for Landry they will want her nursed at their visits. If not, the visits are going to be less than enjoyable for everyone, especially Landry, who is the one who will suffer the greatest when she is the most innocent.  

Wedded Bliss

This morning I was driving Georgia to her one-day-a-week daycare and I, for some reason, started thinking about what I want her to know about marriage.  I've been blessed with such a happy one and my advice can only come from my personal experiences.  Marriage is a journey. You NEVER stop working on your marriage.  Here's what I think: 

Give compliments   Anything from you look handsome today, that was a really good steak you cooked for me, I love your eyes.  Never stop telling the person you love what you love about them.  Don't take for granted that they already know.  Remind them. 

Appreciate  A simple "thank you". Thanks for mowing the yard.  Thanks for folding the laundry. Thanks for working hard to provide for us.  No thanks is too small or too big. Verbalize your appreciation.  It tells your spouse you are grateful for the efforts they put into your marriage and family.  When I tell Josh thank you for something, it also reminds me how lucky I feel to have him and all he brings to my life. 

Be the first to say "I'm Sorry"   Apologize first and fast.  On the same note, if you receive a genuine apology, accept it and get on with life.  Don't drag an argument out just for entertainment or whatever reason. Move on.  Most important Don't go to bed mad. I swear by it. 

No sex before love. Conservative, old fashioned, whatever.   Wait until you are at least madly in love (not lust) with somebody before you give it up.  If they won't wait that long, they weren't worth it anyway.  Waiting for sex in a relationship and how the other person handles your decision to do so, I think, says a lot about their character.  If they'll wait for you, they care about YOU and not just...well,other stuff.  The best part of sex is the emotional connection anyway. 

Romance   Never neglect it.  Romance doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive.   Josh loves pink jelly beans, I picked them all out of the bag once and packed them in his suitcase for work.  When he found them he knew I thought about him and wanted to make him smile. Easy enough.  Romance is your effort.  Never stop dating your spouse. 

Don't cuss.  Simple enough.  You won't hear Josh call me a bitch, or an F you coming from my mouth.  Your husband/wife is your life partner, your best friend, your sidekick.  Name calling and swear words are not for your soulmate.  The same words you would use for someone you don't like have no place in your marriage. 

Hold hands  In the car, walking in the parking lot of walmart, at home on the couch. Do it. 

Communicate  Don't make a disagreement a guessing game too. John Mayer said it best "Say what you need to say." Be honest.

Spouse=numero uno  Your marriage is priority, period.  

Mind your own business  Keep your marriage sacred. A relationship, the good and bad, isn't for everyone else. It's for the people in it.  Don't worry about projecting to the world how happily-ever-after you have it.  On the same token your mom, the gardening club, and all of Facebook don't need to know about your disagreements. You don't need people on "your side" in a marriage everyone is on the same team.  

I guess that's all the wisdom I have.  I heard something in church as a preteen and never forgot it "The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother" So simple and so true. 

When nursing strikes.

2 Wednesdays ago Georgia woke for the morning, I went and got her out of her crib, changed her diaper, and sat down with her in the recliner.  Just like almost every morning.  She laid back in her nursing position but when she tried to latch on she bit down instead and then started crying in pain.  

Her mouth hurt.  I knew her top gums looked like there were some teeth on the way.  I gave her some teething tablet and tried again, same thing. It hurt her mouth to try to latch.   I eventually gave her pumped momma milk in a cup.  I was so thankful to have that option.  For 11 solid months Georgia refused anything but the boob. Milk straight from the tap. Exclusive. Whew, glad that now that her mouth is hurting I have another way to get the comfort she knows from milk to her.   

I knew nursing strikes happen.  I knew she would get over it and come back around. Georgia is SUCH A boobie baby. We nurse on demand countless times a day.  She loves it.  It's relaxing for me too. To hold and rock her, watch her twirl her hair, bend over and kiss her head.  Our time. 

But by day 3 of the strike I couldn't help but be a little nervous.  I was doing my best to let the rational rule my thought.  Babies rarely truly self wean this early, Georgia and I are always together, I nurse on demand, she abruptly stopped and weaning is gradual.  

Day 4 of the nursing strike was the last time she tried to latch.  We were at my friends house.  I was sitting in the nursery floor and she walked up to me and signed for milk,  she put her mouth awkwardly around my nipple to latch but just held her mouth still and didn't suck.  Her eyes looked confused.  Like she doesn't know how to work her mouth to latch with the new teeth on top.   She got up from her attempt and went on playing. 

The next few days were fussy ones for Georgia.  Her gums hurt.  We got in a regimen of Motrin in the morning and before bed, Tylenol midday and teething tablets in between. She was being kept comfortable. 

But by this time she had developed an aversion to nursing.  She associates it with pain. I asked "you want to nurse?" She shakes her head and says no, no, no.  She signs milk when she sees her cup and calls it "mimmie"...her word for milk. 

I die.

Is this really happening? During the span of this strike I have tried to do everything right, skin to skin, only giving milk to her with a syringe or medicine dropper, try to sneak nursing in when she is drowsy or asleep, bathe with her.  I "nurse" her baby dolls and we watch YouTube videos of babies nursing for encouragement.  

Nothing works. 

Josh tells me he doesn't think she will nurse again.  

My heart is broken.  

This is not how self weaning is supposed to happen. She's supposed to gradually decrease her nursing sessions, I should be able to see the end coming. I should be able to cherish the last times I nurse her.  Soak it up.  Kiss her head a few extra times, smell her hair while she dozes at the breast. 

But no.  She woke up on Wednesday morning and our new normal slapped me in the face. 

I know she is over a year old and my goal was to nurse for 12 months.  But I was willing to go as long as she wanted. Years of nursing, a sacrifice of my energy, body and time.  Happily do it for Georgia.  

And I knew she would nurse until at least preschool start at age 3 when she would go part time to school and I would nurse her to sleep every night.  And they all lived happily ever after. 

Psych!  My boobie baby threw me a curve ball.  I still in utter disbelief and denial.  I stopped my whole life, quit my job, very seldom leave her with a sitter, to nurse her.  Nurse her whenever she wants.  And she just stops. Never looks back. Doesn't she miss it? Why has this been so seemingly nonchalant for her? 

I KNOW she is just a baby and she hasn't rejected me personally.  But I feel so hurt. I keep having the thought in the back of my head "I just want to go home"   Back to our normal. 

I'll be okay...I think.  No really I will. Once I can wrap my mind around this abrupt strike that has lead to weaning, which supposedly rarely ever happens. 

I'm still pumping.  Giving her my milk, I'm not ready to stop that yet.  I'll pump until I just psychically can't anymore.  

From exclusive nurser to exclusive pumper. Go figure. 

F you, teeth.