Life after "infertility"

Infertility in quotation marks because I don't really like that word.  It is hard to say you have that problem. Is it after a certain time span of trying to conceive without success? Is it after you have suffered a pregnancy loss, or multiple losses? Is it when you are taking fertility medication? Who cares.

I want to say that infertility is a dark place.  It made me selfish, jealous, and sad. Not to mention hyper sensitive.  It started when I was open with people that we were trying to have a baby and it didn't happen right away.  You start getting advice. (I have come to despise advice) I went almost a full year without a menstrual cycle, that included an array of other embarrassing symptoms I don't care to share. I heard a million times from well meaning people that I was "trying too hard" to have a baby. All I had to do was "relax" or "quit trying" and BOOM it would happen.   I knew that wasn't the case. I knew my body was off. My hormones were out of wack. What I heard when people said those things to me was that I was creating my own problem, I was crazy, it was all in my head, I was causing myself to not have a baby. 

But nothing compares to the lowest feelings of selfishness I could ever experience. 
While I was praying for a baby, scared of what the future held for me, I felt like I didn't like anyone.  The sight or thought of a pregnant women broke my heart. I was insanely jealous of people with children. I was insecure. My heart was ugly.  After months of these feelings, I lost myself. I know, I know. This all sounds seriously dramatic. But even typing about it takes me right back, I can feel it again. Lonely. A heavy, empty heart.  Getting pregnant took over my thoughts. I was so scared that even I "hadn't been trying that long, some people try for years" (another idiotic thing people say) that it would take years. Or worse, would never happen.  If I heard the news someone was pregnant, anyone, I would wonder Do they know how lucky they are? Are they thankful for this gift? I was always wallowing in pity. It wasn't fair. Why not me?    One of the lowest points for me was when I literally couldn't be happy for anyone else. I had so much guilt over that. I knew I was being awful, I didn't want to feel this way. I cried too many tears over feeling like I was a terrible person. Harboring resentment against other people for being pregnant. What kind of person does that? I knew I didn't want to feel that way, and I didn't know how to stop it.  
Infertility made it hard for me to enjoy my job, taking care of new moms as an RN.  I would go in spurts of crying my whole drive to work, to turning the radio off and just driving in silence...angry. 
My sweet coworkers and friends tiptoed around me in conversation, anything can be taken offensively when you are struggling with infertility. I know I was hard to love, I don't know how Josh did it. If he asked me how I was doing, I didn't want to talk about it. If he left me alone, I got mad because he didn't care enough. He told me I was a good person when I didn't believe it. He was so strong for us, because I sucked at these emotions.

WELL on a brighter note. I was diagnosed with MTHFR, an abbreviation for a really long named blood clotting disorder. My blood clots too much. Which is a real problem when you are pregnant. Women with MTHFR pass blood clots to their babies resulting in pregnancy loss. It can be controlled with a proactive approach and medication.  
But back up. Before that came along, I took hormones to make me have a period, more medication to make me ovulate. This really made me a fuzzy basket of baby chickens.  I was due for a blood draw to check my hormone levels to make sure all the medicine was working. I went to work early to get my lab work done before my shift started. The labs were cycle day specific and I needed them done on that specific day. Everyone was busy. I didn't get my labs drawn. I was mad and tearful. I just wanted something to go right for once. Oh but it was, I had no idea.  I was assigned a new patient. She had MTHFR. She had suffered multiple pregnancy losses. I had to call her doctor, my doctor too, about her plan of care. He came over to see her, after that I asked him to write my lab order, even though I was a day behind on them by now. He wrote out the normal orders, then asked me "Do you want me to check you for MTHFR? Just to cover all bases?" I told him sure, if I have to get stuck lets make it count.  If I had gotten my labs drawn when I wanted, it would have been before I was assigned the MTHFR patient, and it probably wouldn't have crossed my doctor's mind to test me for it. I would say 99.9% of women who have MTHFR aren't diagnosed until they have multiple miscarriages.  So it was a fluke I was ever tested for it.  That night I got my labs drawn and went on about my job. Two days later I got a positive pregnancy test. I was so happy.
Cautiously happy. That's another thing infertility does to you, makes you scared to enjoy your pregnancy. Don't get too invested, something might happen. Don't tell too many people your pregnant, something might happen. Don't buy any baby things, something might happen.
BUT ANYWAY, I went to my first ultrasound when I was 5 weeks. Everything looked great. I didn't give a second thought to those labs I had drawn. I'm pregnant now.  A few hours after my appointment my doctor called me. As soon as I saw the number on my phone, I knew. I looked at Josh and said "I have MTHFR" I answered the call and Dr John told me I had MTHFR, a double mutation. I needed to start taking aspirin and some other medications immediately. Fast forward....I was fine. Georgia is here and perfect and it is all thanks to God.

So many little things happened at the right time for everything to work out. I marvel at them. Especially during church. I sat in those pews and silently prayed and wept for a baby. So scared prayed for God to get Georgia through this pregnancy without me passing a clot to her.
Thank God for the patient I was assigned that night. Thank God that my doctor tested me for MTHFR. Thank God I found out my diagnosis when I did, right before the placenta takes over the blood flow to the fetus, which is when I would have passed a clot to my baby. Thank God I had trouble getting pregnant, if I hadn't I would have never been tested for MTHFR until I had most likely lost some pregnancies. I still can't believe I have MTHFR and never have known the pain of miscarriage. That is unheard of. God did that for me, I am so humbled.

This morning in church I was thinking of all the ways God blessed me throughout my little journey. All the moving parts that worked in my favor.  I have struggled with typing this sentence, I can't even put into words. I am just simply amazed.

NOW after going through that. I still get a sting of pain when I hear someone is pregnant. Old habits die hard I guess. It can still ruin my day to hear someone complain about being pregnant. Yes it can be hard, but do you KNOW the miracle you are getting to experience? SO many women would trade you places in a heartbeat. Take the heartburn, the nausea, the tiredness, the leg cramps, the back aches, the swelling, you name it. I had my pregnancy discomforts, but I enjoyed being miserable. I feel INCREDIBLY lucky that I know what it is like to be pregnant when I was terrified that I might not ever feel a baby grow inside of me.
I am stingy with Georgia, I want to soak up all of her I can. She won't spend the night away from me in the foreseeable future. I only leave her to run errands here and there, never more than a few hours. I don't know if I would have been quite so stingy with her in other circumstances, I know it is hard for her aunts and grandparents sometimes.

I often pray for Georgia to be so many things that I am not. Strong but soft. Not insecure and sensitive like me. Confident and not defensive. Easy to love. Happy even in the hardest times. Faithful. Patient. 
Infertility made me so aware of my faults and weaknesses. I am so thankful to everyone who loved me when I felt unlovable.