I used to label myself as a "cryer" but that's not so true anymore. I used to indulge in a good cleansing cry more often than I care to admit. My crying went a little further than a Nicholas Sparks book... Every other Tuesday when Josh went back to work, if my alarm went off and the fatigue was too much, if I called my mom and she didn't answer the phone, if I text someone and only got a one word reply, the milk is expired and I want a bowl of cereal....okay maybe not that extreme. But it DID always make me feel better. I think I can say I'm not the cryer I used to be. Sometimes it is out of shear will, other times I think "I'm gonna just cry this one out" and all I can manage is a tear up. Who am I? Maybe it's all my tattoos that have made me tougher??? If that's the case, I'm getting more.
More and more lately I find it less pleasant to talk about trying to get pregnant. I used to have the outlook that if people want to know about how things are going for us, it is because they love us and are excited for us. Now that we are at 7 months (and YES I know there are people in the world who try for much longer) and I haven't even ovulated, the things I sometimes hear sting more than I know they should. When people ask me how it's going and I answer honestly, it is not my open invitation for your advice. SO here are some of the things people say and how they make me feel. Used to, I would cry this out and feel better. But that isn't my special talent anymore. Keyboard therapy. Keyboard therapy.
1. "You haven't been trying that long." Yes I am fully aware that I could be much much unluckier (is that a word?) I could never carry a baby in my womb. Some people try for years and years. What I'm thinking: the fact that there are tons of people with heartbreaking infertility that lasts and lasts does not make me feel any better about how long I have been trying to get pregnant. Every month is still disappointing.
2. "Just relax and then you will get pregnant." Okay. I almost don't know what to think when I hear this. Honestly, this statement make me feel like the stater thinks I am crazy, wound too tight, and I am causing the problem for myself. And it hurts. What I'm thinking: I'll get right on that. Thanks.
3. "You can have my kids" Not what I was going for. I have loved my husband for so long, and the desire of my heart is to have his baby. Carry it inside me. See our love for one another in our baby's face. What I am thinking: If I wanted your kids, I would bang your husband.
4. "If it is meant to be, it will happen." Who are you, father time? Did I take some test to score my worthiness as a parent and fail? I felt pretty good when we responsibly preparing for this: graduating college, being married, getting settled in my job, having health insurance, owning our house, buying an SUV, putting money in savings, taking prenatal vitamins everyday, putting those plastic things in my electrical outlets... What I'm thinking: People on METH have babies, how come my pregnancy isn't meant to be?
5. "Quit trying, then it will happen." Yes I am fully aware that there are people in this world that get pregnant on accident. I am not one of them. Please tell me how to technically "quit trying" and I will begin to quit. What I am thinking: If I am having unprotected sex with my husband, I am trying to get pregnant. I will still pee on a stick when it is time for my period. I will still be hoping for a baby. I can't quit trying.
NOW. I know that no one is trying to hurt me. I know that I am taking these statements too seriously. I know I'm dumb and get my feelings hurt more easily than I should. But I will not think that there is a right way to feel. There isn't. If I am sad too soon, haven't been trying long enough, I'm not relaxed, not worthy, or it's not time yet...it is still a little hard. My whole life has been preparation to be a mom, and I know I will be a good one. I'm ready for a chance to make that happen.
Here's to the cryers. I miss being one sometimes.
Peace. Love. Boo Hoo.
