Her mouth hurt. I knew her top gums looked like there were some teeth on the way. I gave her some teething tablet and tried again, same thing. It hurt her mouth to try to latch. I eventually gave her pumped momma milk in a cup. I was so thankful to have that option. For 11 solid months Georgia refused anything but the boob. Milk straight from the tap. Exclusive. Whew, glad that now that her mouth is hurting I have another way to get the comfort she knows from milk to her.
I knew nursing strikes happen. I knew she would get over it and come back around. Georgia is SUCH A boobie baby. We nurse on demand countless times a day. She loves it. It's relaxing for me too. To hold and rock her, watch her twirl her hair, bend over and kiss her head. Our time.
But by day 3 of the strike I couldn't help but be a little nervous. I was doing my best to let the rational rule my thought. Babies rarely truly self wean this early, Georgia and I are always together, I nurse on demand, she abruptly stopped and weaning is gradual.
Day 4 of the nursing strike was the last time she tried to latch. We were at my friends house. I was sitting in the nursery floor and she walked up to me and signed for milk, she put her mouth awkwardly around my nipple to latch but just held her mouth still and didn't suck. Her eyes looked confused. Like she doesn't know how to work her mouth to latch with the new teeth on top. She got up from her attempt and went on playing.
The next few days were fussy ones for Georgia. Her gums hurt. We got in a regimen of Motrin in the morning and before bed, Tylenol midday and teething tablets in between. She was being kept comfortable.
But by this time she had developed an aversion to nursing. She associates it with pain. I asked "you want to nurse?" She shakes her head and says no, no, no. She signs milk when she sees her cup and calls it "mimmie"...her word for milk.
I die.
Is this really happening? During the span of this strike I have tried to do everything right, skin to skin, only giving milk to her with a syringe or medicine dropper, try to sneak nursing in when she is drowsy or asleep, bathe with her. I "nurse" her baby dolls and we watch YouTube videos of babies nursing for encouragement.
Nothing works.
Josh tells me he doesn't think she will nurse again.
My heart is broken.
This is not how self weaning is supposed to happen. She's supposed to gradually decrease her nursing sessions, I should be able to see the end coming. I should be able to cherish the last times I nurse her. Soak it up. Kiss her head a few extra times, smell her hair while she dozes at the breast.
But no. She woke up on Wednesday morning and our new normal slapped me in the face.
I know she is over a year old and my goal was to nurse for 12 months. But I was willing to go as long as she wanted. Years of nursing, a sacrifice of my energy, body and time. Happily do it for Georgia.
And I knew she would nurse until at least preschool start at age 3 when she would go part time to school and I would nurse her to sleep every night. And they all lived happily ever after.
Psych! My boobie baby threw me a curve ball. I still in utter disbelief and denial. I stopped my whole life, quit my job, very seldom leave her with a sitter, to nurse her. Nurse her whenever she wants. And she just stops. Never looks back. Doesn't she miss it? Why has this been so seemingly nonchalant for her?
I KNOW she is just a baby and she hasn't rejected me personally. But I feel so hurt. I keep having the thought in the back of my head "I just want to go home" Back to our normal.
I'll be okay...I think. No really I will. Once I can wrap my mind around this abrupt strike that has lead to weaning, which supposedly rarely ever happens.
I'm still pumping. Giving her my milk, I'm not ready to stop that yet. I'll pump until I just psychically can't anymore.
From exclusive nurser to exclusive pumper. Go figure.
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