Drum roll, please!

Okay, our HHBH has a name and while it isn't a secret (if you ask I will tell you), I need to let it loose on the blog/facebook/general public world. BUT first, some of the names we didn't go with or that my husband vetoed immediately. I love names that are old, masculine names on girls, nouns, southern, and most importantly-I have never met a child in the flesh or heard of with the name. Here some of them are:

Graye-I latched on to this name because I have a habit of leaning toward names that are nouns, and spelled with unnecessary letters. Our winner name mainly beat out this gem because of the pornographic "Fifty Shades of Grey" book series. I know it won't be a big deal when our baby is older, but for now it is associated with smutty books.

Poet-Poet, Poet, Poet. Oh I could say it all day! It is SO whimsical (and a noun). It fell by the wayside as we leaned more and more to the name we ended up choosing. But I won't forget about you precious Poet! Maybe for baby #2, or for a middle name for HHBH.

Harlowe-this name morphed from the name Marlowe, which I though would be a perfect name for a twin-Marlowe & Maven. But then I realized there is a Real Housewife of Atlanta named Marlow, or some variation on the spelling and I can't even stand to watch those girls-and that's pretty bad for a reality TV whore. But anyway, I also love names that begin with H. Like our last name and Harlowe Hollowell sounded cute to me since I love alliteration. Harlowe didn't quite capture the heart of HHBH's daddy, he hated it.

Juniper-Another noun! I love the uncommon-ness of this name. But when I would say it to other people, next to no one else liked it. I didn't want HHBH to hate her name. But oh I could just look past all the comments about that name being a Bath & Body Works scent and just hear myself nicknaming her "June Bug" or "Junie". Josh also despised this name, so it was sadly discarded.

Jasper Memphis-this first name is automatically attached to a middle name. They are just destined to belong to each other. Once again both names are...nouns. I found this name in a peculiar way. I have liked the old fashioned sound of the name Jasper since I read the "Twilight" series. But my husband claimed he knew a dog once named Jasper, and I once had a teacher in the 8th grade who had a nephew named Jasper. However, I was riding home from a hunting trip with Josh and passed a road sign. OH MY WORD! Slow down Josh, I need to take a picture! He has been dealing with my weirdness for years now and didn't even question me. He just slowed down, let me take my picture, and then listened to me go on about the name epiphany I had just had. Jasper for a girl! How masculine, I LOVE it! Memphis-how uncommon and a nod to the man himself, Elvis Presley. I wasn't pregnant at the time, but have always loved to name hunt. Josh agreed it could be suitable for our daughter someday, and I can say with certainty that if we hadn't chosen the name we did that this would have been the winner.

Hattie-This one just wasn't in the stars for us. Although it is an older name and it starts with an H, it had been taken. I got unusually attached to it. Hattie Hollowell just has a ring to it. And the lady who played Mammy in "Gone With the Wind" was named Hattie McDaniel. And I DO love all things southern and that movie! But a family that lives just up the highway from us had a baby girl before we did and named her Haddie. I know, not the same thing BUT I'm no name-napper! And her name just happens to be Haddie Hudson. So Haddie Hudson and Hattie Hollowell could be in the same class, on the same cheerleading squad, opponents in the chess tournament, or an array of other things. That pair of H names was just too close for me. Kudos to the Hudson's for grabbing such a lovely name! If we move to another country someday, I will very likely have a Hattie Hollowell. But not for now.

And the winner is...

Georgia- here is the saga of the name that stole our hearts: I have some cousins on my mother's side who had a grandmother on there father's side (not confusing at all) and her name was Georgie. I just always assumed her name was really Georgia and that Georgie was a shortened part of that, turns out her name was just Georgie but oh well she inspired me anyway. I was a very, very young name ponder-er when I thought "I like that grandma's name, and I don't know why" Little did I know that I would grow up with a fondness for old and southern names, and heck it's even a noun. Once I had matured and realized that I really loved this name I shared it with Josh, before we were even married. He didn't like it but I eventually won him over. I swore him to secrecy and only told people I REALLY trusted that I loved this name in fear that it would be stolen. Now, I realize that there ARE children named Georgia. However, I have ever met one and I have had to overcome my irrational fear that it will be the top name of 2013 and just embrace that fact that it is perfect for us. Brett Michaels has a daughter named Jorja, and when he still had a reality show that kid was hilarious. My husband killed the first buck that he ever had mounted in the state of Georgia last year and that is how I reeled him in on my dream name...sucker.

This deer has since been decapitated and it's head is hanging on the wall in our den. I named him Georgie, how fitting.  Josh not only agreed to the name Georgia after murdering Georgie, he campaigned for it. It was his favorite, and he beat out Jasper Memphis.  So I can't have Hattie, but Georgia is the state where Scarlett O'Hara was bred and that is something that makes me love the name too.

And there you have it, how Hunka Hunka Baby Hollowell became Georgia.

There she is! Miss Georgia Hollowell at 15 weeks gestation. Middle name to be determined.. I am still wrestling with that decision and am open to suggestions!

Well thanks for reading all this, I know I have a tendency to talk to much.
Peace, Love, & GEORGIA.

Breathe easier...maybe

We made it to our 12 week milestone! It was such an exciting day for me. In a normal pregnancy, you are in somewhat of a safe zone and the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. Didn't shake my nerves though. I'm not dumb, my blood still clots too much and I still don't metabolize folic acid...among other worries. But we praised God on our baby's 12 week gestational birthday!

Proud daddy! I thank God everyday for this guy. He is my steadiness, so perfect for me.

Happy Momma!

As our luck would go, that day of supposed to be relief I started spotting. I have told hundreds of pregnant girls that some spotting in pregnancy is normal, but whole different ballgame when you are the patient. I worried as I continued to spot for the next few days. But luckily I'm and psycho and I had purchased a fetal heart monitor online and I was able to listen to HHBH's heartbeat everyday and give myself some peace of mind.  I had some weird irrational fear that since I had facebook announced my pregnancy, that it was doomed. The night we put our announcement photo on facebook, I was so nervous I couldn't eat supper. Ever need anybody to worry about something, call me.

We're expecting a blessing!

At my next doctor's appointment my ultrasound showed that the bottom portion of my placenta is a little low, close to my cervix. This would account for my spotting. But for now nothing to worry about! (Yeah right, I will find something to fret over.)  What my ultrasound ALSO showed was the gender of our baby. We had the doctor write the gender in an card that we sealed in an envelope. I gave the card to my best friend and HHBH's godmother, Caleigh, on her birthday for safekeeping. The next day we had a gender reveal party for our families. Caleigh was the only person who knew the gender, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. She is an extension of me, this was so special to both of us.

Another answered prayer!

Okay I can't lie, I prayed for my baby to be a girl. And I felt selfish every time I did. I know I would have loved a momma's boy too, but my heart was longing for a little girl. It is no secret I didn't have a typical household growing up and I wanted more than anything to have a daughter/mother relationship. I am so over the moon that I will get to experience that, more than I could ever even try to put into words.

My, I mean OUR, little girl!

In my next post, which will HOPEFULLY be in the next few days, I'm gonna turn HHBH's name loose on the technological world. Stay tuned, it's perfect.

Peace, Love, & Sugar and spice and everything nice. 

Mother Trucker

Well I am in my 11th week. ALMOST to the coveted 12 week supposed breath easier mark for pregnant women. I haven't blogged in a coon's age. But I have plenty to spill about.
First: we went to our first doctor's appointment when I was 5 weeks gestation. I was a nervous wreck. Everything went as good as could be expected...while we were there. My phone rang a few hours after I left and it was my doctor. He told me he was looking over my labs and that I have a genetic blood clotting disorder, Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. Abbreviated MTHFR, which looks like mother effer. So at my house, we affectionately call my little problem Mother Trucker Disease.  It was an amazing coincidence that I was even tested for it. It is a fairly new diagnosis that has just been being tested for in the last few years.
Here's how I came to be a mother trucker:  I was on day 21 of my cycle and I was supposed to have a panel of labs drawn to make sure my hormones were in check and that my progesterone/clomid regimen was doing the job. I got to work an hour early, called to my doctor's office, and asked them to fax my lab orders to me so I could go to the lab and have my blood drawn.  They never came. I called again, waited again, and never got my lab orders. Later that night after I had clocked in and was doing the whole nurse thing, my doctor came by to check on some patients. He wrote my lab orders for me then. We both sat there scratching our heads to make sure we checked everything we could think of since I was getting stuck, better make it worth while. Ironically I was taking care of a lady that night who had MTHFR and my doctor suggested, what the heck, lets check you for that while you have a needle in your arm. 2 weeks later....SURPRISE, I'm a mother trucker.
So what does this mean? Well to begin with it means I am incredibly blessed. Most people with MTHFR don't find out they have the disorder until they have suffered multiple miscarriages. It is a miracle that I was able to be diagnosed in my first pregnancy. Secondly, it means my body does not make the MTHFR enzyme, this causes my body not to metabolize folic acid (which is uber important for a gal's fertility and pregnancy health and for a growing lil fetus...google it.) This increases the risk of birth defects thus increasing the risk of miscarriage.  Also, my blood clots too much. And in undiagnosed women with MTHFR they can be carrying a healthy baby, a blood clot forms, passes through the placenta, and results in pregnancy loss.
My treatment:  not too bad.  I have to take 8 pills a day. Which is pretty good, some women end up having to do blood thinning shots their whole pregnancy.   My pills include a prenatal vitamin, DHA (for brain and eye development of HHBH), 4 folic acid pills, an aspirin (to thin my blood), and a colace-lovingly known to me as my "poop pill" constipation ain't no joke.


So to all the people who told me stupid stuff like "relax and you'll get pregnant", or "get drunk", or "exercise more" if I hadn't been an uptight person about my lack of menstruation and ovulation I would have never known that I have MTHFR. And this pregnancy most likely wouldn't have had a happy ending. God made me uptight for a reason. He always takes care of this girl, even when I don't deserve such love. 
No nausea to complain of, except when I put in my retainer. I have been eating like a horse. So by the time HHBH is here, I will be fat and buck toothed. Yay!
And now here are some updated fat chronicle pictures. Enjoy. And pray for us y'all, still a little scary being a mother trucker.

Peace. Love. Mother Trucker.

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week...I'm pregnant!

Whaaaaat?!?!
After my last few posts have been all suicide and black roses things sure turned around!
I went to work Monday night and had some labs drawn while I was there to make sure the clomid is working, my thyroid is okay, and all my hormones are in check. I threw in a blood pregnancy test while I was at it. Figure if I had a needle in my arm, what the heck? Well my HCG level (HCG is made by your baby after it implants and is what make your pregnancy test positive) was 1. Wtf. One? Really. Typically anything less than 5 is considered not pregnant. I was pissed, why couldn't my level just be zero? I felt like I was being tortured. One gave me a smidge of hope, but just enough to tell myself I was being set up for disappointment.
Tuesday Josh came home for work and when we went to bed that night I felt "icky" I had heartburn, shakiness, and nausea. Blah. And once again I was hacked off because why does my body have to give me hope that I am having pregnancy symptoms? I woke up at 3:30 to pee and thought what the heck, I'll take a test.  I knew it would be negative since just Monday night my HCG level was a patheic 1. And home pregnancy tests (HPTs) require a level of 25 to show a positive. So fat chance, but it is my piss I'll do what I want with it.....

Welllllll, lookie there! A big fat positive (BFP)!! At 10 days passed ovulation (DPO) Holy mother of Abraham Lincoln! Very faint but a positive is a positive, you can't be kinda pregnant. I immediatley took several more and they all said the same thing: little embyro is Courtney's uterus! HHBH exsists :)

The first thing I did was wait 3 agonizing hours for WalMart to open (hey, I'm a true Arkansasan)  and I bought a carseat. Jumping the gun much?? But I wanted to tell my baby daddy we are preggers in a memorable way, and I have had a bit to think about it. So I put a carseat in the back of his truck with a sign that said "Reserved for Baby Hollowell" I woke him up and asked him to go eat breakfast with me, we go to get in the truck and he tells me he needs to check the oil. JUST GET IN THE MOTHERLOVIN TRUCK OK? He finally does and surrrpriiiiisse!!! His reaction? A few manly tears and "I'm so happy for you!" Sweet, but hello you are pregnant too here buddy. Oh yeah and he also told me not to kiss him with toungue because he only swished with mouthwash and didn't full out brush his teeth....exactly how I pictured this beautiful moment....kinda.

There was a little gift in the bag....a baby pair of converse. Awwwwww.

Thumbs up from Mr. Swimmy Sperm!

We had tickets, great tickets, to a Cardinals game that night, so we made it a blissful day in St. Louis. And bought a little something for HHBH as a keepsake of the happiest day we have shared so far.

So since we have got the news how do I feel? A little nervous. I'm ready to add some weeks to this pregnancy and gain some confidence. Our HHBH was an Easter Egg so by my last period I am 3 weeks and 6 days. Due New Years Day 2013. But God loves us and will take care of everything. I'm trying not to worry until I am given something to worry about, which I hope is never. We haven't told our families yet which is so hard to keep to ourselves but I want to wait it out and conjure up a cute, creative, and memorable plan to tell all the people who love us most (the same pesky people that kept asking "When are you going to have a baby?")  But in the days since I have known I'm growing a human my second pink line has gotten more definate, which makes me feel a little better. Nothing to do now but pray and wait. God is so good!

I have also started a little project I have been looking forward to doing. Weekly (or kinda weekly) baby bump progress pictures. Here is the first of approximately 40.

Pray for us y'all!

Peace. Love. Hunka Hunka Baby Hollowell.









It's my party. I'll cry if I want to.

Well good news, since my last post I have been able to cry again. (Strange to consider that good news I know) There are still times I really want to and can't, but on the whole I'm happy with my current production of tears. I guess there is nothing like a good round of fertility drugs to make you extra hormonal and emotionally vulnerable.


I hate the way not being able to get pregnant makes me feel. I want to "quit trying" so I am not thinking about it anymore. And oh so many people advise that this is when it is easiest to get pregnant. But honestly, it is impossible to "quit trying" when you really want a family, now matter what my efforts are to get pregnant I will still be hoping for 2 pink lines.
I'm tired of feeling sad, disappointed, jealous, insecure, vulnerable and a rainbow of other ugly emotions. And then I hate myself for feeling the way I do, wish I could be more easy going about it, and pray for the millionth time in my life to have a thicker skin, and my heart breaks all the while because I feel like a "bad person" for my unwanted emotions. And topping it off, I am worried that the way I feel isn't normal. That I should be stronger about it, that it happens to other people all the time, that I can do this, God loves me and has my life's plan in His hands, I should be thankful for all the things I have. So hard.

It seems that there is hardly a day that goes by that I don't hear the question I am always dreading "So when are you going to have a baby?" Is it just some weird bad karma that people ask you this ALL the time?  Josh sent me some flowers to work last week. No reason, I love you flowers. (my Mr. Perfect)

Aren't they pretty!?

People see my flowers and ask what they are for, my "just because" answer got a million "He must want a baby!" responses. I put a picture of my flowers on facebook, and someone comments that they are ready for us to make a baby. Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Josh and I went to St Louis this week and he got a new tattoo. It was a seven hour session, so we were there a while. A recurring question that day by different people was "Do you two have any kids?" And when you say no, conversation goes awkwardly silent. (Insert cricket chirp here) While I'm thinking as hard as I can about what facial expression I am wearing, trying not to look like you just punched me in the stomach. 

I considered letting the world know that we haven't been able to get pregnant on command, put my blog on facebook for everyone to read, send out a mass text to our families. All just to avoid the dreaded question that becomes more and more painful, but I decided not to because it won't make it any different. Strangers will ask. You can't sugar coat the world.  And people don't ask out of spite, they don't know how much it stings, they can't see me grimace on the inside.

This is Giuliana Rancic. I like her.

This girl wins the prize for rough luck, and strength. Here is a little bit of her story:





This morning on the Today show, Giuliana Rancic, 37, made a big announcement. Only it wasn't the happy pregnancy news we've all been waiting for as she and her husband, Bill Rancic, have struggled with infertility for years. Rather she revealed that she has breast cancer, which was discovered because of her IVF treatments.

She said she was originally planning to wait until she was 40 to have her first mammogram, but her IVF doctor insisted she get one as she was undergoing her third round of IVF. Though she went "kicking and screaming," she went, never believing that she -- at 36 (she's since had a birthday) with no family history of breast cancer -- could have it. Unfortunately, she learned shortly thereafter that she does.

Whether you are religious or not, it has to make you question if things happen for a reason. She believes that they do. She told Ann Curry she always knew there was a reason she wasn't getting pregnant, and that this discovery now explains it. Since it was detected so early, her prognosis is good. She will have surgery this week, then undergo six weeks of radiation treatments. After that, she plans to go right back to her attempts to get pregnant again:

I'm not going to give up. I still want this baby ... because this baby has saved my life. I truly feel God was looking out after me … If I had gotten pregnant later down the line, I could have been a lot sicker.

It's hard to see it when you're stuck in the middle of something as desperate as infertility, but believing there is a bigger reason can certainly be comforting. Whether it's God, Mother Nature, the universe, or whatever you choose to believe is responsible for those reasons, having faith in something can certainly help when the world seems to make no sense. That faith, which the Rancics have shown continuously throughout their infertility struggles, will serve them well as they beat cancer as well. And just as they have done with infertility, they're sharing their cancer battle with the world, providing comfort and inspiration in the process. Giuliana, who was visibly shaking during the interview, told Ann that while it was difficult, she was sharing her story to help other women remember to take care of themselves. "Don't feel sorry for me, just call your doctor tomorrow and make an appointment," she said.  


Wow. Isn't she amazing? I could never imagine putting such a positive spin on a cancer diagnosis. She is my strong role model! What I feel is just a drop in the bucket compared to what she has dealt with so gracefully.

Anyway. Let's get to the freaking positive point of this blog post already. I had a positive ovulation test! My first ever. It is very exciting but scary at the same time. Scared to get disappointed in a few weeks. But until then I have hope and faith, so I am trying my darndest to focus on the good that could happen.  So now just to do the baby dance repeatedly and wait. 
I am going to have labs drawn on day 21 of this cycle to see if all my hormones are in check and make sure the Clomid is having the desired effect on good ole Lavern and Shirley. If not, my doctors says he will increase the strength of the Clomid I take every month. I hope I hope this takes a turn for the better or I get tougher. I'm a work in progress, and that about sums it up.
Peace, Love, & Strength

"I wear my heart on my sleeve." -Princess Diana

In my very first blog ever, I said that blogging is like keyboard therapy. Let's see if this makes me feel better. If not, I will just type the my and Khloe Kardashian's favorite cuss word repeatedly in my next post and see if that helps.
I used to label myself as a "cryer" but that's not so true anymore.  I used to indulge in a good cleansing cry more often than I care to admit. My crying went a little further than a Nicholas Sparks book... Every other Tuesday when Josh went back to work, if my alarm went off and the fatigue was too much, if I called my mom and she didn't answer the phone, if I text someone and only got a one word reply, the milk is expired and I want a bowl of cereal....okay maybe not that extreme. But it DID always make me feel better.  I think I can say I'm not the cryer I used to be. Sometimes it is out of shear will, other times I think "I'm gonna just cry this one out" and all I can manage is a tear up. Who am I? Maybe it's all my tattoos that have made me tougher??? If that's the case, I'm getting more.

Even though I can't cry on command these days, I'm still the most vulnerable and sensitive girl on the block. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Wanna know how I'm feeling? Look at my face and you will never have to wonder. A blessing and a curse, I can't hide my emotion.
More and more lately I find it less pleasant to talk about trying to get pregnant. I used to have the outlook that if people want to know about how things are going for us, it is because they love us and are excited for us.  Now that we are at 7 months (and YES I know there are people in the world who try for much longer) and I haven't even ovulated, the things I sometimes hear sting more than I know they should. When people ask me how it's going and I answer honestly, it is not my open invitation for your advice.  SO here are some of the things people say and how they make me feel. Used to, I would cry this out and feel better. But that isn't my special talent anymore.  Keyboard therapy. Keyboard therapy.

1. "You haven't been trying that long."  Yes I am fully aware that I could be much much unluckier (is that a word?) I could never carry a baby in my womb. Some people try for years and years.  What I'm thinking: the fact that there are tons of people with heartbreaking infertility that lasts and lasts does not make me feel any better about how long I have been trying to get pregnant. Every month is still disappointing.

2. "Just relax and then you will get pregnant."  Okay. I almost don't know what to think when I hear this.  Honestly, this statement make me feel like the stater thinks I am crazy, wound too tight, and I am causing the problem for myself. And it hurts. What I'm thinking: I'll get right on that. Thanks.

3.  "You can have my kids" Not what I was going for. I have loved my husband for so long, and the desire of my heart is to have his baby. Carry it inside me. See our love for one another in our baby's face. What I am thinking: If I wanted your kids, I would bang your husband.

4. "If it is meant to be, it will happen."  Who are you, father time?  Did I take some test to score my worthiness as a parent and fail? I felt pretty good when we responsibly preparing for this: graduating college, being married, getting settled in my job, having health insurance, owning our house, buying an SUV, putting money in savings, taking prenatal vitamins everyday, putting those plastic things in my electrical outlets...  What I'm thinking: People on METH have babies, how come my pregnancy isn't meant to be?

5.  "Quit trying, then it will happen."  Yes I am fully aware that there are people in this world that get pregnant on accident. I am not one of them. Please tell me how to technically "quit trying" and I will begin to quit. What I am thinking:  If I am having unprotected sex with my husband, I am trying to get pregnant. I will still pee on a stick when it is time for my period. I will still be hoping for a baby. I can't quit trying.


NOW. I know that no one is trying to hurt me. I know that I am taking these statements too seriously. I know I'm dumb and get my feelings hurt more easily than I should. But I will not think that there is a right way to feel. There isn't. If I am sad too soon, haven't been trying long enough, I'm not relaxed, not worthy, or it's not time yet...it is still a little hard. My whole life has been preparation to be a mom, and I know I will be a good one. I'm ready for a chance to make that happen. 

Here's to the cryers. I miss being one sometimes.

Peace. Love. Boo Hoo. 

All ya need is love...

I have been back from my cruise for a few weeks now. I had the best time! Two of my dearest friends went with me, and I love them. Many mornings the first word out of one of their mouths was to ask me what my waking temperature was. SO cute.  "What's your temperature home fry?" Was my favorite of the week. However, no period to speak of while on the love boat. I did come back with a baby name inspiration that my husband would never agree too: Baby boy Topher Hollowell. I know nobody else will ever love it but me.

This was the only picture of me in beach wear suitable for posting.

  When I got my feet back on land, I went back to the OBGYN aforementioned in this blog. He totally restored my faith in him. I have been given Provera once again. Took my last pill yesterday, so now I wait for a Provera-induced period. THEN on day three of my cycle I will start taking another medication, Clomid.
Education Oppurtunity:  Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant (infertility). Clomiphene is in a class of medications called ovulatory stimulants. It works similarly to estrogen, a female hormone that causes eggs to develop in the ovaries and be released.
My doctor gave me the Clomid, with 5 months worth of refills, and told me he would be very surprised if I didn't get pregnant. He went over all the statistics with me, and helped me figure out how to time the start of all my fertility drugs so that the roughneck who is nearest and dearest to my heart will be home for the magical part of my cycle. I felt so hopeful when I left his office. A 180 degree emotion from the last time I was there. So stay tuned, hopefully Laverne and Shirley respond. Gotta dream and we just know now...

On a testimonial note, Jesus shows me everyday how loved I am. It's been the theme of my life. Not always loved traditionally/conventionally, but so loved in the perfect ways.  When I got back from my cruise, I had a gift from my secret sister waiting for me.

Could this be ANY cuter?

Not to mention, I had a handful of the best co-workers on the planet who gathered to watch me get my gift, because they love me too. I'm such a blessed girl.

And now....I have a teaser for a future blog. I have a pregnant friend! Not a facebook friend, an in-law, or friend of a friend. A REAL friend. I love her and can't wait to blog about her as soon as her news is public knowledge. Beautiful babies on the way! Let's hope I get to join that party too.

Peace, Love, & Love, Love, Love.